11 March 2010


Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just a snack.   
You can never be pregnant. 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
The world is your urinal. 

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. 
You don't have to stop& think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. 
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
You can open all your own jars. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
Everything on your face stays its original colour. 
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
You only have to shave your face and neck. 

You can play with toys all your life. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. 
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.. 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 

No wonder men are happier.


Labour Party in trouble

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.Nothing has moved for half an hour when suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, - 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom or they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'
Right-click here to download pictures. To help protect your privacy, Outlook prevented automatic download of this picture from the Internet.

9 March 2010

2010 Tax Code

The only thing that the Revenue has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 

20% of the time it is pissed off and 
1% of the time it is in the hole. 
On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2010, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows: 
 10 - 12''
Luxury Tax
$ 300.00
8 - 10''
Pole Tax
$ 250.00
5 - 8''
Privilege Tax
$ 150.00
3 - 5''
Nuisance Tax
$ 30.00
Males exceeding 12'' must file capital gains.
Anyone under  3'' is eligible for a tax refund.


7 March 2010

Yorkshire Lament

 "When I were a lad, our Mam'd send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shillin',
 an' I'd come back wi' five pound o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three
 pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, some Spangles,  a stick o' liquorice, a
 bottle o' Tizer, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.
Ya can't do that now..... . . . . . ..
 Too many security cameras!!

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