31 December 2009

World Cup Interactive Chart Download

Football Manager have put together a spreadsheet to go along with the World Cup draw, just plug in the teams as they were drawn and watch the tournament unfold infront of your very eyes. Then hold onto it until the summer, or more likely fill in your predictions over and over again until your nation wins the cup.

Excel World Cup 2010 Wallchart Download

13 December 2009

Lets Help Gordon Clear the National Debt

            Ok the country's broke , or so our beloved leader tells us. How come then that we can launch a new Space Agency or be the biggest contributor to sandbags for Bangladesh we owe £800 billion a mere drop in the ocean, (although that of course would make the seas rise and we would all drown) Mr Brown has ring fenced Health and Foreign Aid, great!. He is planning to make it illegal if he doesn't half the deficit  over 4 years see Fiscal Responsibility Bill in the Queens Speech  Although he doesn't explain what happens if they fail. Does the whole government get imprisoned? All of this can only mean he is either planning to print  " loads of money" euphemistically called 'quantitative easing' or we are in for high tax hikes on beer, fags, petrol, water, electricity, gas, sex, air and anything else he can possibly get away with.
 I thought I'd help him out and suggest a few  savings that could be made and also some good revenue earners  for Mr Darling.Mind you its a shame Gordon  didn't spot all this 'waste' in the system when he was Chancellor we might not be in the mess we are now.
      Firstly we could stop paying pensions and benefits to people who have DIED yes £37 million in pensions and benefits were paid out to people who have passed on in 2006.Secondly Sub-let the Olympics to Australia ,they already have the infrastructure, this could save us  £10 billion (plus any rent we can get off the Aussies and sponsorship deals etc)Thirdly scrap the DTI (Dept. of Trade & Industry) Saving £6 billion We haven't got any trade and Industry left anyway and I'm sure Peter Mandelson could easily find another position: Parachute tester or pilot for Richard Bransons new venture perhaps.Other savings could be made by getting rid of ALL quangos, cutting the number of MPs and paying them the national average wage

Now on the other side of the coin, tax needs to be imaginative , why not charge all people over 5'10 for example they take up more room than other people its only fair. Why stop there we could have an obese tax as well , introduce council tax on shop doorways and alleyways , this brings all the homeless into the tax bracket and perhaps we could bring in a tax on school buses. The population is increasing at an alarming rate so lets have a 90 percent tax on the third child (after all 2.5 is the average and anything over that is contributing to global warming or cooling or killing polar bears or something like that.
Finally lets have some new innovative charges to boost the public finances: People who don't vote could be charged £10, £5.00 to visit your doctor, Dog licences re-introduced, Child licences for that matter and perhaps an exam for prospective parents. All yoghurt knitters and politically correct sandal wearers could be charged £1 for every stupid statement they make - we would soon clear the National Debt

3 December 2009

Bankers & Bonuses

So the RBS board will resign enblock if Alistair Darling stops them paying out millions in bonuses. Now I'm not against people being rewarded for their efforts but how much effort did it take to make the record 6 Billion profit they made?
Lets remember the competition has declined Lehman Brothers, Golman Sachs etc; they have had a massive cash boost from the taxpayer plus quantative easing (Printing money to me & you) If many of the TV and cable channels disappeared and the remaining ones received government finance would it be any surprise if they made a fortune? Would they the deserve massive bonuses ? I think not!
These whizzkids have achieved their wondrous profit not by hard graft but by a combination if luck and government intervention.Once competition is eliminated and a bottomless pit of money is put at your disposal I' m sure almost anyone could have made a profit. Perhaps even The Chancellor
Go Mr Darling do your stuff and let the bankers go after all there's plenty on the dole to fill their place

30 November 2009

Secret Ballot?

Is it me or has anyone else noticed that ballots at Election are no longer secret ? When did this happen I don't remember any law been passed. Was I asleep that day.
When you go to cast your vote you are crossed off the list and handed a voting slip which is numbered and relates to the name on the list. I tried once to swap with my wife and was told I couldn't .
Anyone know when this started Was it part of Big Brother Blairs' tricks to know what we are all voting for as well what we have for breakfast ! Please let know what you think

29 November 2009

Old Cowboy

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

27 November 2009

Saturday Night in the City

(This is actually an extract from a unpublished novel I began writing many years ago)
Since last weekend, there had been a dramatic increase in police numbers, (Most constables could now count up to ten without using their fingers!). Any would be burglar would be well advised to commit their crime in the suburbs on a Saturday night, and thus reduce the already low chance of being apprehended. Although of course there is a one hundred percent chance of being caught if you are driving a motor vehicle, as the police are able, with the use of new technology to smell a car that is 2mph over the speed limit from over five miles away. The modernisation of the police, with the use of computers and electronic gismos has improved the crime statistics dramatically, in dealing with serious crime. Now, only minor misdemeanours such as street mugging, burglary, rape and murder are untouched by the new broom that sweeps through the British Police force and we can all feel a lot safer in our beds that Pc Plod is out there nicking all the evil motorists before they slaughter us in our own homes.

The square was probably busier at this time on a Sunday morning than any other time. All the
clubs, bars and restaurants emptied their clientele into the small plaza to the mercy of the fast food shops and ‘salmonella vans’ parked on every corner. You could get curry, of sorts; tepid pork batches; burnt roast potatoes, soggy chips, jacket spuds, under cooked chicken, and kebabs of every description and hue all served in cardboard trays with the same disgusting gravy and none of which you would eat if you were sober. Stationed at each of the food outlets were two riot-equipped policemen in yellow fluorescent jackets standing like banana bodyguards waiting for the inevitable fights to start. An argument over a girl, not enough onion on a beef-burger or just someone looking at the wrong person at the wrong time might spark them off. - The real cause of course was nothing of the sort. - The white vans would be busy tonight!


Last month the UN conducted a worldwide telephone survey. The only question asked was -
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Finally, in the UK people just hung up because they could not understand the Indian accent.

25 November 2009

Education, Education, Education!

So was the the Labour Party's famous war cry, so why now are thousands of school leavers are entering the workplace with an inability to read & write The newspapers run headlines'One in 3 Schools Failing' or Primary schools to give lessons in gender equality.At the other end of the scale the numbers passing A-levels rise year on year. At the present rate in 2012 more will pass than actually take the exams. What is happening to our education system? What is education for ? Do it blindly follow the national curriculum or produce well rounded individuals with good grounding in all subjects. Knowledge for knowledges sake.

Ed Balls announced last week that History ,Geography and such traditional subjects will be replaced in a 'new curriculum' with social networking and blogging. As long as we have a Prime Minister who can't spell and an Education minister with daft ideas how can Ofsted blame teachers for the fall in education standards? Of course there are bad teachers but the vast majority are hard working and conscientious. There are 'bad' schools too lacking in money resources and staff. But where are the next generation of teachers going to spring from

Under Ed Balls scheme 'teachers' could have a degree in Networking and Blogging, perhaps then we could close all the schools and they could teach kids from their desktop. Think of the savings. Think of all that extra money we could give to the banks

20 November 2009

BOAT DELIVERY WAS ON TIME...............................

  65' custom-built motor yacht complete with 4 staterooms,A state-of-the-art galley, GPS System and radar for navigation,Twin supercharged diesel
engines, etc.
Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream and
Music dockside for the excited 'soon to be owners' and a small Group of friends.

Two corporate representatives, crane, and rigging complete
With faulty turnbuckle.

Watching your dreamboat nose 
dive into the harbor, accompanied by two corporate
Representatives just prior to 'inking' the final paperwork......


So, how was your day.?

Have A Drink On Me

Just cause its so hard for us to get together for a coffee...have one on me.....   

              Enjoy !

19 November 2009

Two Countries

Once upon  a time there were two countries, one of these countries had a little bomb so the other one got one too. “We can’t have this.” Said the general “let’s build a bigger one;” and so they did. Their adversaries did the same. So they built bigger bombs, better bombs, flying bombs, floating bombs and finally nuclear bombs, millions and millions of dollars, pounds and roubles to satisfy schoolboy egos. (Surely it’s just the adult equivalent of fireworks) but unfortunately its one firework display that no-one can witness. Winning the nuclear arms war means never having to say sorry
            Take for instance Trident, I wish somebody would as far away as possible, each Trident submarine carries 24 missiles, each missile has between 8 and 17 warheads and each warhead  a blast equivalent to 100,000 tons of TNT. Total replacement cost of Polaris with Trident is £5000 millions. The cost of staffing a medium sized general hospital is £120 million. We could build many more hospitals, houses for the staff and still have money left over to buy the generals a few sparklers.
            Once upon a time there were two countries, no people and just two countries.

16 November 2009


Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £ 10 each.The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £ 10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at £ 20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £ 25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £ 50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at £ 35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for £ 50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for £ 700 billion.
........................They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

    Now you have a better understanding of how the
                 Bank BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this.......

Our Beautiful City!

The building site , formerly known as Coventry is obviously destined to become a Mecca for tourists. They can enjoy the decaying medieval buildings left to rot by the council. They can smell the sweet aroma of urine and vomit on the city streets. They can sit in traffic congested one way systems behind a hundred buses belching out toxic fumes and not appearing to go anywhere. (They could of course get on one of the buses but you need to tender the exact fare and that’s difficult when you don’t know the amount. The can visit the numerous pubs, in fact they would have to if they need a toilet at night , because after the shops close there aren’t any!
There is the nice Romanesque Bus station where you can see..well nothing certainly not buses! Is this the only Bus station in the country that doesn’t have buses?. A visiting tourist can admire the graffiti and picturesque fly posters that adore the walls and not forgetting the flashing blue lights that shoot up and down the tower blocks in the city centre telling you what the weather will be like. Well worth a visit.! (Don’t the council realise the weather is available free on teletext.)
Coventry was once a proud place, the most important in the area. It grew into a smart modern city. We've had until recently, an unchanged council for many years, have they become complacent? Are they still in charge or have they turned over the asylum to the lunatics, although they might conceivably do a better job. Where’s the soul? where’s the life? and where’s the sense in paying these people to run our city. Don’t vote for them it only encourages them and inflates their egos!

13 November 2009

Save money - Abolish Parliament?

As all the major parties use' whips' why don't limit parliament to the bare minimum the cabinet and shadow cabinet In essence you only need one person to represent each party, and even then that's too many in view of the Lisbon treaty where Europe will now control what we have breakfast and where we go at night perhaps we should abolish parliament altogether, or is that what 'they' want.
Perhaps the answer is to abolish party politics and allow only independents (something by the way that is outlawed in Europe) Reduce the numbers to about 400 and we could have a useful talking shop and political base from which to govern the country, assuming of course that that is purpose of parliament which I must admit leaves me in some doubt.
I want a government that deals effectively with real issues that affect our lives and our childrens lives. World population increase is a number one problem but no one wants to deal with it, instead they fob us off with global warming and turning off light bulbs to reduce carbon. Less people on the planet would reduce carbon I think!
It is a proven fact that where women are educated the birth rate drops . Spend billions on educating the women of the third world instead of using it to try to alter the natural order of things (global warming is a natural phenomena)
Ok rant finished basically if we got rid of party interests and put Human and World interests first we might , just might survive on this planet a little longer

25 October 2009

Mosques in the Vatican?

So we live in a multicultural society.Does this mean I can now charge double fares in my taxi during Ramadan as the Muslim drivers do during Christmas.After all they don't celebrate Christs birth I don't celebrate Mohammeds, so that should be fine.
As I see it we have two options either everyone takes EVERY reglious holiday: Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Chinese,Christian etc etc. in which case the factories and schools would never open, or we all take our own which would mean of course ALL religions other than christian would work over Xmas for normal pay. Great for the economy, production would rocket and factories could remain open all year.

Of course there is a third option: Just remain a Christian country with one culture. After all if this idea of multicultural society catches on we could have churches in Saudi Arabia,and Mosques in the Vatican.As religion and customs are man made and developed within a society, surely they should remain within the very society that created them? Or is that too radical for the mealey mouthed sandal wearers who appear to have taken over the asylum!

15 July 2009

Global Warming Symptom or Cause ?

Lets be clear about all this global warming crap. Of course the climate's changing it has before we were all here and it will do again. So called global warming is a symptom not the cause.The real problem facing the world is overpoulation. There's too many frigging people on the planet!! Whether you look at immigration or emigration on racial or religious lines it doesn't matter, there is a net increase in the world population of 150 EVERY minute. It doesn't take a genius to work out that that is using extra resources: cutting down more trees for houses and land, consuming more fish, which by the way accelerates global warming as the bones of certain fish can fix nitrogen in the water which helps to absorb the carbon.
Population increase has slowed down wherever women have become educated, it was only a generation ago in this country when it quite normal to have five, six or even more children. Perhaps governments should spend their, sorry our money, on education in Africa and Asia to liberate the women of the Third World and help the planet.There is of course a problem with this in that some extreme Moslem countries are against female education, but the only other ways to deal with population increase is by compulsion as China does, Frequent wars or a pandemic with the release of a deadly virus. Take your pick.
It wont really matter if we baking in the hot sun, or shrivelling up in the rain. We wont be able to move very far because there will too many people around

21 April 2009

Global Warming,Bankers & the Government

And by the way this topic of global warming, climate change and all that so called scientific clap trap. Why is it that we the great British public have to stop leaving TVs and computers on standby turn off lights, only have dull low energy light bulbs by which you can barely see to tie you shoe laces,and generally use less power to "SAVE THE PLANET" whilst shops can burn lights 24 hours a day have heating on full blast and government ministers drive around in energy guzzling cars and plan to build a third runway at Heathrow...very green that!

The trouble with not leaving stuff on standby is that components wear out quicker by turning them on and off. Could that be the real reason for this blitz on the consumer. Dynamic obselesence rears its ugly head.... I only wish it worked on governments too ! 

I am told that the lights and computers in the City of London, the so called heart of the economy, are never turned off. The bankers are too busy losing other peoples money to worry about Global warming, in fact they probably already gambled a load of it on the date of the next Ice Age.

This is real climate change: Economy over-heating, bankers losing their jobs (now come on don't laugh)And when the screens all change from blue to red and the "Warming" is complete we can close down the Casino (The new name for the City coined after the great Meltdown)and recycle all the workers as financial journalists, or that wonderful government idea of fast tracking them as teachers to show our kids how to be greedy and irresponsible. We can recycle all their computers and laptops as well, except the ones that contain personal data we would have to give them to a government minister to leave on a train!

4 February 2009

BBC insider said that Chiles was “very shocked”

Oh Dear Carol Thatcher has upset Mr Chiles, who has obviously joined the sandal wearing yoghurt knitters who march up and down the country waving the flag of political correctness. Golliwog refers to a harmless quite peaceful child's toy dating back over 100 years, and has no racist connotations other than those put on it by the PC brigade who have nothing better to do than justify their own pathetic existence.
The earliest Golliwog (or Golliwogg as he was originally called) is the hero in books of verse written by Bertha Upton in the 1890s, and illustrated by her daughter Florence. The mother and daughter worked together on twelve illustrated books, all featuring the gallant little character and his adventures travelling to such exotic destinations as Africa and the North Pole, accompanied by his friends, the Dutch Dolls. (see Golliwogg.co.uk
Though the original Golliwog character was a kindly fellow always lending a hand to those in trouble, later authors portrayed him very differently. Over the years he became a rascal, was often up to no good, and even portrayed as a mean spirited character. Consequently his reputation slid.Writers such as Enid Blyton merely added to his poor reputation. Unlike Florence Upton's, Blyton's Golliwogs were often rude, mischievous, elfin villains. In Blyton's book, "Here Comes Noddy Again", a Golliwog asks the hero for help, then steals his car. Blyton, one of the most prolific European writers, included the Golliwogs in many stories, but she only wrote three books primarily about Golliwogs: The Three Golliwogs (1944), The Proud Golliwog (1951), and The Golliwog Grumbled (1953). Her depictions of Golliwogs are, by contemporary standards, racially insensitive. An excerpt from The Three Golliwogs is illustrative:
 "Once the three bold Golliwogs, Golly, Woggie, and Nigger, decided to go for a walk to Bumble-Bee Common. Golly wasn't quite ready so Woggie and Nigger said they would start off without him, and Golly would catch them up as soon as he could. So off went Woggie and Nigger, arm-in-arm, singing merrily their favourite song - which, as you may guess, was Ten Little Nigger Boys."
Incidentally Golliwog was the original name for the rock band Creedence Clearwater Revival, they sometimes perfomed the songs dressed in white afros, I mention this not to suggest they were racist but merely to show how much part of American culture the golliwog was. In Blyton Noddy books Golly the garage owner has now been replaced by Mr Sparks considered by many to be an affront to black garage owners. You can't win, people should just live and let live , there are are far worse things going on in the world, and far worse childrens icons to demonise.Children often refer to other kids with buck teeth as Bugs or Bugsy perhaps we should ban Bugs Bunny; and what about Bluto he's always bullying Popeye , not a good role model.
So we can't use the word golliwog in a private conversation but you can say the f*** word on prime time Tv  (provided you're a chef that is)You can sell violent computer gamnes to kids , depicting prostitutes, drugs and murder but don't buy them a rag doll with a black face it might corrupt them!!!
So good on the BBC and Mr Chiles (if indeed it was he who blew the whistle on what was after all a private conversation) Perhaps he could go and spend some time with his look-alike Ray Mears in a wilderness far far away...please

3 February 2009

We All Love the Middle East

Question: someone kicks you and your family out of your home, giving you hours to leave, and you retaliate by spitting in their face; is that someone then justified in bombing the shit out of you? cause that wonderful, peaceful, 'religious',biblical stalwart called Israel seems to think the answer to that question is yes.
Why does everyone support them is it belated shame for the holocaust? Perhaps someone should tell Israel that the Arabs weren't involved in the 2nd World War.Better still the west should bang their heads together and stop using politics and vested interest to support and sustain the conflict.
Often it is not what happens, but how it is perceived and to many in the Middle East the West's support of Israel is seen as an affront to their religion of Islam and produces discontent and dissolution, radicalising many young Muslims and endangering the lives of many by producing the kind of panic in authorities that killed Jean Charles de Menezes

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