19 July 2010

Saturday Night Out

   A recent survey was carried out to discover exactly what the average woman carries in her handbag . Now I've yet to meet an average woman and the article doesn't explain what they mean by 'average'; average height , average age , average intelligence. Of course all this means is that some university research boffin has obtained a grant to research and survey all this vitally important rubbish. 
   What the survey fails to disclose is why those super magic bags that all women own, you know the ones that look small but are in fact bottomless contain all things known to man (and woman for that matter.) Hair-bands, rubber-bands, and economy size hair spray, safety pins, Band-Aid, bandages, brushes for hair, teeth and nails, a small metal disc with bits of wire sticking out (don’t ask!), shampoo, soap, lipstick and lace. A spare pair of tights in case they have an accident and a spare pair of knickers in case they don’t. A mobile phone with no credit left on it (what's the point ?) and a mirror, must not forget the mirror, ever! because there is nothing worse that a woman pulling down my driving mirror to apply several layers of red gloss to her lips because she has left her mirror at home. The above list is by no means a comprehensive one but it does go someway to explain the age-old question of women go to the loo in teams of at least two. They have to carry out an inventory of each other bags on a periodic basis to ensure they are not letting the sisterhood down.
  Quite apart from the Dr Who time capsule that woman carry about, there are a small proportion of the fairer sex that fill my cab with an overpowering stench of Kylie D'Amour or Essence of Essex Girl. I suggest that the university boffins could research a more appropriate perfume for use in a modern era,perhaps "Vomit in the Gutter" or "Kebab & Cider" Better still they could invent an intravenous drip for vodka shots & alco-pops which would would save them the bother of going out in the first place, they could just lie in the gutter and cut out the middle man . I am considering fitting  an electronic arm to the cab to deposit said individuals directly to their destination, it would save them falling out of the car once the door is opened - the blood can be so hard to clean off in the morning.

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